Corrections Department Innovative plans for prisoners

The corrections department, led by the illustrious Judith ‘Crusher’ Collins, have come up with some swell ideas to deal with the exploding prison population.

First, they are planning to import shipping containers fitted out to house prisoners. This, they say is a cost effective way to significantly expand the available prison beds. These containers, imported from China, certainly demonstrate how well that free-trade agreement is working. We supply the prisoners, slave labourers who get the ‘privilege’ of building their own cells, and then when they are full we can simply load up the shipping containers complete with prisoners and sell them back to China, or just leave them floating around the Pacific. I’m sure all those great kiwi human rights values will come packaged up with each shipment.

Another great idea that ‘Crusher’ has is double-bunking prisoners giving the department another 1000 beds to fill up with keen customers. In order to ‘sell’ this idea to Corrections staff who know full well that double-bunking leads to a whole lot of issues including increases in assaults, the minister has promised staff batons, pepper spray and stab-proof vests. The guards have said they would rather not really; things are already hard enough to manage. ‘Don’t worry,’ says Crusher, ‘we’ll only put low risk people together.’ Well, perhaps it begs the question but if they are low risk, why not just let them out? What they hell are they doing in prison in the first place?

And of course, the public-private prison partnerships are on the way. More scumbag corporations than you can shake a stick at will be queuing up for a chance to cash in on the lucrative trade in human misery and deprivation. These companies get a thrill every time another life sentence is passed on a prisoner; they are the veritable golden kiwi. If your lucky, a prison might be built in your town, creating low-paid, low-skilled job opportunities or at least ensuring you won’t be far from home should you end up in the slammer yourself.

The corrections department is really making some amazing progress in the prisons under the new government: progressing ever closer to a little version of hell on earth…